Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
