It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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