Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
