Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
