I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
