Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
