We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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