I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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