She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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