i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize