Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
