you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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