she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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