hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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