Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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