I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
