Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
