so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
