imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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