i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize