he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
