I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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