She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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