I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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