Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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