yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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