Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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