My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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