____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
