Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
