They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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