What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
