I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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