I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
