Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
