I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
