eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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