I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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