I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I look better un-naked...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
