I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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