I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
