My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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