Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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