i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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