Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
