Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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