They should really pass out barf bags in church
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
