if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Drunk is not a location!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize