my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
