break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
