He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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