I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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