Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
