I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
