Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
