what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
