i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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