I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
