you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
