Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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