So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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