and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
