Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
