theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
